Common Zombie Survival Tactics That Will Get You Killed

(Orginally written for a feature magazine writing class last year at Millersville University. )

Scott Freehoff
Feature writer


"I don't know what's scarier, the fact that zombies could rise or the fact there are actually people out there that can't wait for it to happen.” - Max Brooks

In October of last year, the University of Florida removed instructions on how their students could respond in the event of a hostile zombie apocalypse from the disaster page on their official web site. Officials of the university claimed that the joke just “didn’t really belong.”

Popular fiction’s firm grasp on how zombie infections would unfold has clouded the judgment of many citizens, creating misconceptions on behavior of the living dead and effective survival tactics.

You can ask just about any young American what their zombie survival plan is and you’ll be looking at one of two likely responses; “What the hell is wrong with you?”, or some variation of going to the gun store, getting out of populated areas, and going “zombie hunting”.

Both these answers share one common characteristic. In the event of a true emergency; they will both turn you into the main course for a crowd more ravenous (and coherent too, oddly enough) then stoned undergraduates on a Saturday night.

It would be nearly impossible to instruct someone on all the different ways they can maintain themselves and loved ones in the event of the true “worst case scenario”. The debate of effective survival techniques continues to wage on even today. However, many undead myths and fabricated impressions make their way into everyday survival plans that are constantly fused by Hollywood and other media. These are just some of the more frequent ones, but clear thinking and common sense will help the true survivalist determine fact and fiction when faced with the end of humanity.

Raiding a Gun Shop Won’t End Well For You.

The undead are upon us! And the first step in your personalized survival plan is to arm you with some sort of automatic weapon. You may have constructed this brilliant plan in your head years ago while wondering aimlessly around a local Wal-Mart and stumbling across its gun section. The plan is simple, go in, grab a gun and a backpack full of ammunition, and lay waste to any walking corpse that comes your way.

Just one small problem, you and everybody else will be after those guns.

Chances are you’ll arrive at the store to see it cleared out. Or worse, you’re now in the vicinity of multiple paranoid people armed with itchy trigger fingers. Best of luck to you if you’re unfortunate enough to come across a gun store owner with a misplaced God complex barricaded in his own personal fortress, ready to disintegrate anything that pops up in the no man's land created where the parking lot used to be.


This. Is. My. BOOMSTICK!

Let’s say you have the resources available to obtain a firearm. Now it’s just a simple matter of choosing the right one for the job ahead.

It’s natural to gravitate towards the biggest, nastiest, spine shattering, ammo-wasting, zombie incinerating, automatic monster gun you can get your hands on. After all, the image of standing victorious over a pile of undead corpses with two smoking barrels in each arm is certainly appealing to many.

However, choosing a fun weapon like that will be short lived, and you’ll sooner be running out of ammo and turning into a happy meal for some lucky zombie instead. When choosing a firearm, keep these considerations in mind:

1. Guns are loud, and attract unnecessary attention.
2. When choosing a firearm, make sure it’s ammunition type can be found in more than one or two places.
3. Make sure you understand how to use the weapon, including regular cleaning and maintenance.
4. Guns are loud, and attract unnecessary attention.
5. Light weight weapons are better then heavy ones.
6. Every shot counts. Automatic weapons are a waste of ammunition.
7. Guns are loud, and attract unnecessary attention.


It’s Clobbering Time!

There’s some unusual human desire to bludgeon something to death when gripping any type of hammer or mace. Hollywood takes advantage of this particular emotion with amusing images of the hero or heroin fighting off advancing waves of the living dead with anything ranging from frying pans to cricket bats.

Open up a garden shed or garage door and you’ll see dozens of potential “anti-zombie” toys. But before you try to recreate that scene you saw in your favorite zombie movie, consider the practicalities of your chosen weapon.

Most notably is the power tool arsenal. The chainsaw is a terrifying weapon exploited in fiction as the “death tool” spelling immediate and grotesque destruction against any and all it may touch.

Fans of the hit video game, “Left 4 Dead 2”, may confuse the destructive enjoyment a chainsaw creates for the hordes of zombies for effective strategy. However, the finite fuel supply and unnecessary weight will turn against you dangerously fast. Not even to mention that like any machine, the noise created from the distinct roar of your chainsaw will only help to broadcast “Dinner Time!” to any ghouls within earshot.


Burn Baby Burn!

Zombies aren’t afraid of anything. They don’t feel pain, pity, or anguish. Their basic motivation is flesh (or brains). So trying to scare off a zombie with man’s earliest discovery won’t solve your problems. Sure, a well placed Molotov cocktail fire will eventually finish off the zombie, and incineration of a corpse is the most effective way to clean up your house, and beats touching the smelly bastard. But just remember this one rule; the only thing worse then a zombie chasing you, is a zombie chasing you on fire.

Drive it like you stole it

Many people I’ve talked to about their survival plans always list some type of “tough” vehicle transportation, such as an SUV, Jeep, or Hummer. Cars certainly have some advantages; nearly everyone has access to one, it offers a degree of protection, it can cut travel time by a ten fold, and it’s fun to imagine running down hordes of zombies in your way.

Unfortunately, anyone who’s ever owned a car is more then aware of the disadvantages of fueling, constant breakdowns, and general unreliability, or unattended acceleration. (Experts are still debating if Toyota’s are an effective zombie killing machine) Keep in mind living in a post-apocalyptic world will have more than its share of obstacles to deal with, including other abandoned cars and ruined roads and bridges.

The very last thing anyone attempting to outrun a mass of zombies in a car is only to have that car suffer a fatal breakdown or run out of juice. Don’t expect your sitting duck of a vehicle to offer any protection from hungry undead. Any attempts to escape on foot will most likely end as a meal for the enemy after the engine in your car attracted every zombie within earshot the last twenty miles.

Bicycles tend to be significantly more reliable as a transportation device. Besides the obvious disadvantage of speed and vulnerability, bikes don’t break down as much and are easier to repair if they do. But the true selling point is not just in the quietness a bike creates in an infected area, but its ability to get over and squeeze between obstacles that a sedan just simply can’t. Don’t leave your only remains in the bloodstained cab of an abandoned truck on route 1; get some exercise and pickup a bike while you still can!


No Place is Safe, only Safer

Assuming you’re not planning on going zombie hunting as soon as the infection hits, you may feel the desire to barricade your home against any and all intruders.

Mass panic is to be expected when the first reports of the dead returning begin to break. You, along with just about everyone else will feel the need to escape from the high populated areas. Doing so will only become a death sentence, as the roads become bogged down and violence takes over.

Believe it or not, your best bet in these early stages is to stay home, stay alert, and stay safe. Any attempt to flee with the rest will only add to the anarchy. When you do decide to barricade your home, don’t turn it into an impenetrable fortress. (Pro-tip: it’s not) Be prepared to leave at a moments notice. Have your bags packed with a weapon read to go waiting for you at the door.

Going Rogue!

Despite following every precaution you possibly can to avoid detection while living in the land of the dead, you’re still significantly more at risk then you would be being with a group of people.

Let’s face it; if you were prepared enough to survive the initial attacks, you’re probably not what someone might describe as a “people person”.

There are a host of reasons why someone’s plan may not include others; from a lack of trust that anyone can do the job that needs to be done, to the thought of spending 100% of their time with the same person. Think of your worst roommate ever. Now imagine spending 24/7 with that person, and throw weapons into the scenario. Suddenly being a zombie doesn’t seem too bad…

As much as you hate to think it, working with others will be your true chance at long term survival. Sleeping in shifts to sharing resources, the only way life would ever be able to return to some semblance of normal is by trusting your traveling partners enough to make it through the nightmare alive and together.


“The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” – Bertrand Russell